Thursday, April 14, 2011


Salam Alayk..

I can't help but to think of so many things these days. The truth is, I was thinking about things revolve around me. Only me. (How selfish I could be).

I was not sensitive towards my other friends. "They are not just friends, they are more than that."Ones that sometimes have fragile hearts too, I should put that in mind and handle the hearts with extra care. But yeah, most of the time I didn't. In fact, I am selfish I think, that I would not be able to understand their feeling. Many times I said to myself, how could they ever said something like that? Can they try to understand us more? We are struggling here! Doing our job and so on so forth. But the sad thing is, when I have the chance, many times I had turned them down to at least give them some visit.

It was like, how I wish I could rewind the time and change everything that was very uncapable for me. I feel ashamed of myself, because of my ignorance of how others would perceive their life, their hope is actually part of my responsibility when I am on top of the position. (It's not an ordinary one, you know, not the you-do-your-job-and-I-take-care-of-mine thing). I feel ashamed for I always have to use my practical as an excuse, just for many things that would be much more important to them. And if they'd felt down, when I did not make my effort to visit them, you could imagine the guilty I would feel.

Yet, I just a human. I am not a robot. I have days when I feel so frustrated over things that had happened in workplace, that had taken me all my free time to adjust the feelings. Then, when I was in a comfort zone, I had to keep the momentum so that no other bad things created. I was once in this deep black hole, for negative sayings that keep coming into my sight, my ears, and my wrenched heart.

I learn that not all feelings and things could be shared. And not all of them are understood by the person we thought they would understand. I experienced the saddest event in my life, when I have to accept this one word uttered by a person whom once I thought I could rely on. So, moral of the story is, I must be careful. No one can understand what I am trying to do accept me. My own soul.

p/s-Still moving in this body, given another opportunity to live. So which grace do you still wanted to lie on? I just hope I can perform my obligations before I leave this world...pray for me :)

p/s/s-this post isn't a piece of writing mere excuses. It's to express my deep feeling I mind you. So only those who understand my jargon would ideally understand. *Peace*

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